a fun-filled peek inside my brain
tw: depression, anxiety, self-harm, exhaustive discussion of mental illness and disorders
this may be a hard post to write and this may be a hard post to read, but i think it’s about time i did, because i use tumblr mainly as a way to interact with my friends. and just as my friends in real life should know some things about my brain, you all should too, and liz’ discussion with her anon got me thinking about how these things i’ve come to terms with being a part of me affect my life and my relationships.
medical sciencey stuff first: i have major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, a severe phobia of insects, and dermatillomania, as well as some OCD and rage and anger issues, all of which contribute to a pretty massive gap between mood and affect. i’m on medication right now.
now what does this MEAN? well, on a good day, not much. and i do have good days. plenty of them. it means that i tend to ride on a more anxious high than most people, that i’m moodier than some, that caffeine makes me far more likely to swing into a panic attack, and that if you see me (or rather, given the internet, hear/read about me) picking at my skin, it’s normal. (normal, that is, for me.) it means i say sorry a lot. it means that when i get angry at someone, i hold the grudge for a long time. it means i can’t eat my m&ms without separating them into groups of the six colors and then eating them in order of least fitting color to most. so, no big deal.
on bad days, it means more, of course. bad days come on a scale - we’ll go with 1-10 but there are all kinds of bad days and i can’t always define what they are until much later. a “1” bad day, for example, means i probably apologize a ton for things i didn’t do, it means that i get extremely paranoid about whether or not my friends are angry or annoyed with me. it means that i probably get set off a little easier. it means that i tend to ignore my feelings rather than confront them, and it means that often through the day i am creating the affect (outer representation) of an emotion i am not feeling.
once a day gets to the 3-4 zone it means all of that, plus i probably overreact to things. i take things personally. this is about when my learned social reactions shake it up (e.g. when you’re trying to comfort me, i may take it as an insult. i might cry if you give me a compliment, and not because i’m full of myself.). (speaking of, i have the ~*magical superpower*~ of being able to turn anything into a negative thought about myself. it doesn’t come with a cape, sad to say.)
skipping some days, since i think you can see where this is going and for the sake of relevance to my friends on here: on days that rank a 9 or 10 in terms of anxiety/depression/rage/stuff, little things set me off and i can have an episode (i haven’t come up with a better term yet). it can be a text i wasn’t expecting. or a comment someone made. someone not answering me online. nothing that is their fault, but from about 20 years’ worth of bottling emotions and processing them (probably) unhealthily, they all start to pour out. i spiral. i feel crazed. i post things on here i shouldn’t and i have conversations with my friends i shouldn’t. this generally only happens when i’m alone, as i’m extremely conscious of affect (see earlier), but when i’m alone, to use a crude term: i can lose it. the scary part is that i separate from my body a little. being unused to handling emotion - a lot of different emotions and STRONG emotions - means that they start to boil over, like water in a pot. i disconnect from my body somewhat, and from my own brain. and i sometimes cut to bring myself back into myself. i’m learning ways to avoid doing that now, but it’s happened. i have scars on my arms and ribs and legs because of it. what’s most relevant to tumblr is that this disconnect means that i’m not totally conscious when i’m in a state like this and later i don’t remember things that i said or conversations i had. i’m therefore not asking blanket forgiveness, but please understand that if i post things that feel crazed or out of character for me, and they are insulting, try to take them with a heavy grain, possibly a tablespoon, of salt.
anyway, i’m really tired now and i’m going to go to sleep soon, but as i said, lizgot me thinking about how my mental illnesses affect my life and i figured it was about time to make this post, mainly so i could link to it in my about and my sidebar or whatever. so if you’ve read it all the way through, i hope you understand me a little better, and feel free to take a cookie from the tray.
please PLEASE message me if you have any questions regarding my mental illness or concerns about your own - anon is always on, and while i am no therapist, i have done a lot of reading and i’m a good listener. talk to me about anything. (if i don’t feel comfortable answering, i hope you’ll understand.)
11:33 pm • 28 October 2011 • 33 notes
